`dazzled by the perfection____

`addicted___因为我爱上你了 2:27 PM

25`o3`2o1o
so long since i last blogged! hahas
surprised that i still remember my account.
haix. recently like so sianx like that...
and.. 人之初，性本善.
is this true?? think it's not applicable to the society nowadays.
people are changing! having a different attitude
different perspective.
but some old habits are hard to die.
like how i used to prepare last min for exams..
despite knowing that it wont work, but just cant help with last min work...
was telling shan how i scold my student
not scold.. it's just bu shuang.
suddenly everything sounds so familiar...
like what i used to hear...
人之初，性本善.
what really does it mean?
is it that you dont know someone in the first place,
so you got to act friendly and act kind?
but. afterall, one will go back to it's original form..
those disgusting and ugly side of human nature.
so i n the first place, everything is just a mask..
now.. more and more people start to remove their masks.
and people i once know become so different!
completely different.
i felt like just asking them in their face.
CONFRONTATION! but. i am bound to be the party who will lose.
just that masked people can play with their identity so well that people will take the same side as them.
isnt this irritating??!
there isnt justice or fairness in the society..
justice and fairness were just rich man's play.
or rather masked man's play!
i start to wonder if i am also becoming one of them inevitably...

`masked identity is an issue to take note of_____

`entry 74 having a firm stand

`addicted___因为我爱上你了 7:24 PM

28`12`2oo9
just realised how long since i last blogged...
has been a month!
haix.. this one month.
so many things happened.
despite things happening, i still failed to learnt any lessons.
FAILED to be a better friend.
FAILED to be a better person..
sometimes things are just so amazing...
at a certain period of time, you can be so closely tied with your friend.
but still.. there are still moments whereby you start to think.
start to ponder!!!
i WILL!! i was like thinking and thinking about it.
i dont understand how relationships can be so bizzare.
you can also be VERY VERY closed with someone..
but! at the other moment, ties can just severed like that!
i dont like the feeling.... DONT LIKE!
is there any solution to salvage this?!
i do not want this to become like that!!
evrything is like in a deep shit! total mess.
on top of it... i somehow felt like i am drifted away...
DRIFTED AWAY from everything that once belonged to me..
or rather things i thought that meant so dearly to me...
how come things can just drift away like that!? getting further and further.
the feeling is so distant.. how can i ever overcome it...
it's so hard.. no matter how hard i try,
i dont see any improvements....
no matter how tight i am grasping, things are still so intangible as they were....
again.. the lousy feeling came back...
have not been getting that feeling....
but somehow it just came back. or is it i am avoiding it in the first place..
pretending to be unconscious of it.
but as it become so obvious and noticable, i will have to come out of the pretense..

`might just break down one day_____

`entry 73 is that clare's addiction?

`addicted___因为我爱上你了 9:34 PM

1o`11`2oo9

就让我慢慢学习

学习悲伤的时候

不闭上眼睛

趁眼泪还没形成前

就在空气中蒸发掉

such a meaningful phrase..
very profound..
but true. everything needs time to learn and time to heal...
but the healing process is still so long!!
haix.. wonder when will miracles happen to me...
so many people had their heart filled..
but why not mine..
the feeling of emptiness is suddenly back!!
and it is so so so tangible...
haix. sometimes really dont understand why...
haix..
and this few days.
some how. some day...
i was late for school....
haix.. and the lecture really sianx diao sometimes...
haix. i am already trying very hard not to fall asleep...
trying not to fall asleep during lectures...
monday got stats lesson!! interesting..
the attendance was so overwhelming that the management people had to do a spot check on the people...
then, lynda had to walk out of the lecture.
i borrowed the notes from my friend..
really thanks so much..
apprepciate it..
sociology ended late..
then my friend couldnt board the bus..
so sorry.. not purposely de.
but really thank you so much
hahas...
and i suddenly realised that i have got a very serious problem.
and i am trying not to think of it so seriously...
is that addiction???
lol. i start to think that it is addicition...
it can only be pure addiction bahx...
due to the fact that i cant find any reason or explanation to it.
or it doesnt seems so simple??
and there are more into it? haix..
i am so so confused now... hoping that an explanation will just pop into my mind...
will it???
hopefully it will. but is it just addiction only..
then. the problem is.........
if it is just addiction, then. will i be able to overcome that addiciton??
but... if it is just addiction. then why will i still think of it??
i just cant take it out of my mind...
my mind is filled, but not my heart....
the emptiness just never fails to engulf me...

`i need to prove that it was just pure addiction_____

`entry 72 not 3, but 4

`addicted___因为我爱上你了 4:07 PM

o5`11`2oo9
woa!!! it has been the 4th day!!
raining for 4 days liaox!
luckily i didnt get drenched today.
i managed to board the bus before it started to rain cats and dogs!
hahas. interesting!
4 days le.
and it was really relaxing!
raining was great...
how i wish it can rain heavily tomorrow.
then i will stay indoors, enjoying the rain.

`maybe there will be a rainbow after the rain_____

`entry 71 clare in the rain

`addicted___因为我爱上你了 1:20 PM

o4`11`2oo9
already consecutively 3 days in the rain...
monday, tuesday and wednesday.
felt kind of relief and great after a downpour.
feeling was indeed great.
was drenched though.
monday!! i was late for lect!!! lol! super dumb..
then i went home after lect.
the rain was damn heavy.. then SIM also no shelter...
should build more shelter. because a lot people was walking very slowly under the tiny winy shelter to the overhead bridge...
waste a lot of time. super squeezy also...
haix. i a bit cant stand the people walking slowly..
so i decided to act cool despite the rain raining so heavily..
i dashed across the unshelthered part to the overhead bridge..
the downpour was indeed so heavy that not much people dashed through it.
some how regretted! i was so wet. including my bag..
haix, didnt had my jacket with me then, cant dry my bag and myself..
the bus took damn long to arrive, and the bus stop wasnt completely sheltered too.
hahas. then went home. the bus ride was kind of cold then...
tuesday.. i was late for lecture!
couldnt board the bus.
missed quite a lot of the lecture...
then, i remembered,
i told myself to bring umbrella...
cox i believed that tuesday will be raining again.... but...
i had two lectures on tuesday.
the notes were already heavy enough. so i went out without the umbrella.
and indeed.. it started to rain... and similarly.
was waiting for the bus ride home then...
the journey was super long.. luckily i went to the upper deck and had a seat.
wonderful...
wednesday. raining. again....
i send my bro to the bus stop..
and it was suddenly raining so heavily..
so heavily.. i then thought of the monday and tuesday in rain.
i enjoyed myself in rain..
all the tired`ness and shag`ness was washed away by the rain...
but the downpour lasted for a few minutes only...
why are those wonderful and enjoyable moments always so short...
is it wonderful and memorable just because it is short?
or is it it is short because i find it wonderful and memorable?
then the crimson gold of the sun shone through the clouds..
instantly. i was hoping to see a rainbow..
it had been so long since i last seen a rainbow..
remembering that the last beautiful rainbow i seen was on 26th nov 2oo8.
but things are always beyong our control and expectation.
life is always unpredictable and full of mystery!
interesting...

and ya! thanks so much to zoey and meiqi...
hahas. always showering me with care and concern...
not that i am feeling unloved...
but think i am somehow....
alientated? or drifted apart?
yup.. hope to get more of the concerns from more people though...

`life is not what you want it to be, but what you make it become_____